Death Becomes Him
by Without Worth
Summary: The Diary of Duo Maxwell in the year AC 197. With all new beginnings, difficulties arise. Especially when forced to face a past one has left behind. He might not turn tricks or always please you, but he does the best imitation of himself.
1. Author's Note

This is intended to be in blog format, but it's more closely related to fanfiction. I tried my best to portray Duo as accurately and as well as I possibly could. As you're reading, if I don't elaborate in great detail on certain parts, it's because I feel Duo is the sort of person who would not want to open up readily, even in his own journal. Also, you'll notice I use lyrics often in my entries, it's been so long that I don't recall each and every song or band I chose, but often you will probably recognize the tune. So of course I don't state claim to those being my personal work, so don't call me on it because I don't state that they are mine. Trust me, you'll probably be able to pick them out, they'll be the best aspect of the entry, heh heh. Later on I tended to stray away from excessive usage of lyrics in this story, but in the beginning they are most evident as I felt they added a certain flair to the entry. As for the storyline, Duo has taken up a job with the Preventers organization, after a few months of roaming around, Lady Une presented the prospect of him taking a job with the group. After he accepted, he obtained an apartment in the area, and his most recent assignment was that of locating Heero Yui, whom is currently residing on one of the colonies, in hopes that he too would join the company. It was supposed to be only a temporary arrangement, but later prolonged, as you will discover.   
  
Anyway, This is intended to be a double sided storyline, so if you choose, please seek out Heero's point of view, written by Corroded Faith titled as Mr Self Destruct. Also, I apologize if this is awful and it offends you, heh heh. As well, if you happen to recognize this composition and link me back to a former name of mine, I will most likely not acknowledge it. I wish to start anew. Well, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it. 


	2. 921 AC 197 new beginnings, old conflict...

Captain's Log: hah. Just kidding. Had to throw something in there to get your attention right?   
  
Well, I'm not particularly sure why I decided to start keeping a journal, maybe just to keep track of my thoughts, or maybe I'm secretly worried that if I don't talk to somebody I really will go insane. And do you know what keeps playing over and over in my mind? The fact that I never think about the consequences of my actions. I'll fill you in. Well first of all I'm not really sure why I joined the Preventers, I guess Wufei roped me in on that one. So earlier this afternoon, I'm taken aside, and Une asks me go track down Mr. Heero Yui himself. Sure, I could have said no, but here are two impending questions. First, why would she ask me, of all people? And second, why did I not want to say no? Needlessly to say, I keep asking myself that.   
  
So once again I find myself in a fine mess of things. Really, what business do I have tailing Heero around? Why do these things have to be so confusing? And I demand to know why I'm now enrolled in the same High school as him as well! What is it teenagers do at high school? You're laughing at me now. I know you are. And what if Heero is perfectly content without me barging back into his life again? But to tell you the truth, I sincerely hope that's not the case. So I'm left with one posing question: Why is it I care so much about what Heero thinks of me?  
  
  
9:13 p.m. 


	3. 922 AC 197 I try to clear my head

And so begins another day in my life.  
  
I had a very rude awakening this morning, yes, and I emphasize the term morning. No person in his or her right mind should be roused before morning light. Hey! I meant woken up! Not well...damnit, I've gone and stuck my foot in my mouth again. A bit lost? I should better explain things.   
  
At 0500 hours approximately, I was jarred from sleep, hair mussed, eyes glazed, vision blurred [mind you I was not under the influence] Anyhow, I was then pulled from my bed, by a figure identifiable as The great lady herself [and I use that term sarcastically of course] only to inform me I had only a few hour's time to right myself, gather what belongings I had, and catch the first shuttle out to the colony. I needn't worry about funds, accommodations; these had already been taken care of. And while all this is decided, I'm still rubbing the sleep from my eyes. It must have been some sight. But then again, maybe if I hadn't been so groggy I would have worried that I was only wearing my shorts at the time.   
  
So here I sit now, In front of this computer screen, about to start another chapter in my life. And you know what? The only thing I can think about is the gentle lull of birdsong sweeping in through the window, or the faint breeze billowing through the curtains-Wait, why the hell do I pick a time like this to notice such things? Obviously I have more important things to worry about than the sentimentality of this planet.   
  
And why do I have this insistent feeling that I'm making a huge mistake? Why didn't I give it a second thought? But there was no time for that, I was practically accepting the offer before Une could even finish her sentence. Jesus, did I even ask her why Heero's presence was so urgently required? I mean, what am I supposed to say? "Hey, Heero long time no see. Where've you been hiding all this time? Oh guess what! We'll be going to High school together, and I moved into an apartment flat just two blocks from yours! Isn't this all such a colossal coincidence"? Yeah, that's exactly what I'll say. How crazy would you have to be to not assume that I don't have some ulterior motive?   
  
I should be leaving right now. I should get up from this chair, and walk out through that door. It's only a few steps. I can do this. I can walk right out that door, and plunge right back into my past. But, why are my hands shaking? Why do my legs feel so heavy and rigid? God, what I have I gotten myself into?  
  
  
8:42 a.m. 


	4. 922 AC 197 going through the motions

Strangely enough, do you know what my first rational though was when I stepped off that shuttle, either to face my past, or forever regret it; I really had to go, number one.   
  
Yeah, maybe I'm about as in depth as a puddle, but you know, human necessity. So, while various supervisors are rapidly directing me where it is to go-where I'm to find the subject's [yes, they actually referred to Heero as 'the subject'] living quarters, as they hastily push an envelope into my hands supposedly containing directions to my apartment, and making doubly sure to inform me of the handsome sum enclosed to get me started. [Or so they said] Okay, so I wasn't really paying attention, my baggage is being strapped to me as I'm escorted to a rented vehicle and I'm still figuring out where the hell I can take a piss. [Forgive my crudeness; I'm in a somewhat irritable mood right now.]   
  
//   
  
And, granted I'm still recovering from jet lag, I managed to make it to my new place in one piece, only to discover I don't exactly have, as they would say, deluxe accommodations. But then again, was I ever accustomed to living in the lap of luxury? I think not. Yet almost instantaneously, I focused on getting myself settled in. It's not much as I said, but it'll do. The few suitcases I had with me I flung on the mattress in the bedroom, as well pushing a few boxes into the corner, which contains either books, or my stereo. I'll solve that puzzle later.  
  
For the fridge, I unhappily found it to be bare, and that brings about more difficulties, since I probably don't need to tell you I'm not exactly adapt at cooking. So, ignoring the mild gnaws of hunger, I sat down, and pulling the first battered cardboard box to me, began to unpack the various relics in my life, which had survived the move.  
  
Stripping back the tape, I discovered another box containing various books and other such oddments. Reaching through the heap, I withdrew an older one. An old, leather bound bible, worn with age. Yet oddly enough, it brought a faint smile to my face. I'm not really sure where I stand now in terms of my faith, though I do know the reason why this battered old book has sustained, which is simple-it was a gift, a, gift from very long ago. Though, I really don't want to think of that right now. And I guess I vaguely remember the book sliding from my hands, when drowsiness finally took over.  
  
//   
  
I awoke abruptly, with little awareness of how long it is that I had slept. Daylight had faded from the sky, and a few sallow beams of moonlight were poking in through the blinds. Outside, I heard the dull drone of passing cars, and it took me a moment to realize where I was. As the realization dawned upon me, I gave a soft chuckle. I had fallen asleep upon my living room floor. The image seemed humorous at the time. Envisioning my inert frame collapsed amid a menagerie of books in the middle of the room. I sighed then, but it wasn't out of sadness, it was more, surrendering. It had felt good to laugh.  
  
Gathering my strength and wits about me, I realized I was now nearly famished with hunger. So, standing on wobbly legs, and of course, making sure I had my wallet on me, I headed for the door, hoping it wouldn't take me long to find some establishment where I could ease the problem.  
  
//   
  
And upon my return, [happy to have found a quaint Chinese restaurant not far from my dwellings] I realized I most nearly got lost. So at the corner store I had purchased a map, perhaps that would also aid me in my quest to seek out Heero. That is, if I ever muster the courage. So here I am again, now at my new desk, full and somewhat satisfied, yet my apprehensions always resurface. I had contented myself to filling my tiny apartment with the sounds of music, as I most often do. Perhaps tonight, to drown out the noise in my head. Words without meanings, maybe, to counter the doubts in my head. I am reminded of my error; I should have already located Heero today, as I was instructed to do; in fact, Une had stressed that it was imperative, I must seek out Heero Yui immediately and begin first hand observation before making actual contact; and that too was imperative, as she had said. But to put it simply, I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet. I mentally scold myself for my cowardice, but to be quite frank, I'm not going to focus on all this right now. I'm vaguely aware that there is still some chicken chow mien in the kitchen, and as for tonight, that, and my music, is my distraction.  
  
  
10:29 p.m. 


	5. 923 AC 197 strapped in

It's happened again.  
  
I overslept once more, of course. This time, I awoke with a jolt, almost unaware of my surroundings. Do you have any idea how hard it is to read an alarm clock face through blood shot eyes? I'm definitely not a morning person. And stumbling in my clamor [most nearly tripping over a suitcase and dragging my bed sheet with me] I managed to find my way to the shower. Today would be it then, but for the moment, I was too groggy to give it much thought as I stripped off what garments I had, and stepped under the warm spray. Struggling hastily to untangle my mess of hair, the braid near hopelessly knotted from a night of tossing and turning, and hurried as fast as I could to complete the routine. A lewd thought crossed my mind as I stood amid the water, the cold morning air chilling my skin, but I willed my body listen to my mind for once, and pushed the idea from my head. Wait, the other one. Oh, hell.   
  
After selecting a few random articles of clothing, I headed out the door. I knew the location of Heero's apartment; and aware that he was tied up with school at the time, [and that I was to join him in a day's time] I decided to scope out [the apartment!] his place. Well, upon my arrival, I enviously discovered, a scowl playing on my face, his dwellings were more upscale than mine. It seems my superiors couldn't shell out the cash for something better for their favorite employee.   
  
At the risk of not being inconspicuous, I decided to get a good look at the interior. Swinging my legs easily over the side of the stoop, I took in the inner surroundings. Not much from what I could tell, of course, Heero was never very indulgent in material possessions. Pulling the rim of my sunglasses back, I observed a variety of books against the wall. Mostly philosophy, also, very much like Heero, I decided with a small grin. Besides an unadorned desk, there wasn't much to it as far as this room went. And not to keen on breaking and entering, I checked my watch again, and upon seeing I had a couple hours to kill; I descended the stairwell in a single leap, and landing with evident ease to the sidewalk below. As I took off down the path, I noticed I'd drawn the attention of passerby. Nothing wrong with showing off every now and again.  
  
//   
  
Here I find myself of all the oddest places in the world, the Cannon High school campus-shortly before dismissal time. One thing I picked up quite quickly about High school, when the bell rings, adolescents behave much similar to a pack of stampeding beasts. Taking into account I'm not a very large guy, I sought out a place away from the commotion, and through no fault of my own, I stuck out like a sore thumb. You'd think these boisterous teenagers had never seen someone with a leather jacket and heavily tinted shades. But then again that doesn't really matter. My problem was, there was no way in hell I was ever going to find Heero in this mess of crashing, shoving bodies. So basically I gave up that route. To say the least, I was a bit annoyed with this, so begrudgingly; I headed back to my place to get a few details in order.   
  
//   
  
It was shortly before sunset when I finally got around to parking my vehicle adjacent to the sidewalk in front of Heero's apartment. My only problem was hoping a random automobile perched in front of his home didn't draw attention. Right. Of course, keeping hunger at bay was another threatening dilemma, so I managed to snag some more Chinese cuisine [I guess I have a soft spot for fried rice] Hm, takeout for my stakeout. Okay that was lame.   
  
I managed to finish tying up my loose ends, just as the sun was setting, casting an array of orange and crimson hues along the dashboard. I guess I involuntarily smiled at this. I caught it in the rear view mirror. Damn my sentimentality.  
  
I guess I dozed off for a bit, because I woke to the dimness of streetlights casting a pale glow along the sidewalk. And, surprisingly, I noticed a light on in the apartment across the street. I guess I really didn't have time to react, because suddenly he was just right there. I'm not sure I know what to feel right now; actually I'm afraid of my emotions. I guess I can admit that much. I can't fend off the feeling that I'm intruding either. I mean Heero has a new life set out before him, and what if he's finally gained a sense of happiness? Then someone like me comes sweeping into his life again; I guess it's like welcoming chaos. But then, why don't I just turn the key in the ignition, and leave, just like that? But, I know I won't. Because, there's really no turning back for me now. I know I couldn't possibly will myself to do it; I've gone too far. I always did dig myself in too deep. It's past nightfall, and I should already have reported back to Une. Screw it. Perhaps I'm right where I need to be. Heh. How ironic.   
  
  
9:35 p.m. 


	6. 924 AC 197 I'm sinking deeper within

At the threshold of disaster. Or so it seemed.  
  
I'm standing here now, uncertainties thrown aside, in front of the door of my new Homeroom class at Cannon High School. This should be easy for me. It should be easy to throw it all aside, hold my head up, and just do it. But I fear I'm losing it. No, no, I'm not. I can do this. And after all is said and done, it'll be okay. Though it's funny, it seems as though I'm trying to convince rather than reassure myself. Sucking in a deep breath, I reached forward and grasped the cold steel of the door handle, and parted it open with a creak.  
  
Remember when I said teenagers sometimes behave as a pack of stampeding beasts? Well, here's another kicker. If one stares they all do the same. And I never was a fan of scrutiny. Yet here I am, confidently unaware of all these peering eyes, as the teacher rambled off a few details about me. And across the room, guess who's gaze-but I should more accurately say glare-met mine? Hey, I bet I don't even need to answer than one.  
  
He only faltered for a split second, but he was quick to hide it-then erased all traces of emotion from his features, yet continued to stare grimly forward as I quickly slid into the vacant seat next to him. Maybe I could better describe the look on his face-that is, if I'd seen it before. The fact is, I hadn't. It was almost, abashed. Plucking up my old familiar courage, I whispered coolly to him.  
  
"You know, you stare at me almost as if you're hurt".   
  
Evidently, that was not the appropriate choice of words, for I saw a quick flash of anger in his eyes, and then the voice of the instructor cut through my thoughts as I realized he was scolding Heero for his lack of participation. And before I could respond, Heero was standing firmly, and with barely a sound-save the slam of the door behind him-he was gone. My doubts were suddenly ringing true.  
  
I didn't catch up with him again until lunch, where I found him secluded at a table at the far back of the cafeteria. Weaving my way through the crowd, I inadvertently caught the gaze of a young girl off to my left; who was apparently staring at the dark glasses I wore, despite the indoor environment. With a smug expression, I slid them down my nose, and gave a slight smirk, either deviate or mildly innocent. Yet nonetheless, it produced the desired reaction. She immediately flushed as I chuckled, and made my way toward Heero. I never lose.  
  
As I parked myself beside him, it was a clear as ever that idle conversation wasn't his preference then, and it still wasn't now. Try as I might; as I usually did, I attempted to induce him into conversation. He avoided eye contact all together. The tension was getting to me. I was just about the launch into another one of my rambling tangents-when the sound of his voice startled me.  
  
"What are you doing here"?  
  
I guess I panicked. Because I just gave a small laugh.  
  
"Why do you ask"? I responded hastily.  
  
He shook his head curtly.  
  
"Never mind".  
  
So I was being evasive. And I hated it. I just wondered how long he would allow it. So I did the first that came to my mind-I changed the subject.  
  
"What's your next class"? I began, swallowing my nervousness. I could tell by the look on his face he wouldn't accept this tactic.  
  
"Duo". He broke. "Cut the crap".  
  
Before I could react, I heard the bell sound above me, and when I turned back towards the table, he was gone. And I didn't get a chance to talk to him for the rest of the day.  
  
//   
  
I managed to avoid the crowd today after dismissal, and was fortunate enough to catch Heero heading the opposite direction down sidewalk. Struggling to keep up with him, I idly placed my hands behind my head as I kept my pace beside him. I was starting to both hate and fear the silence. Yet I still attempted to keep to my original plan. Though most of the walking was done without a word, much to my displeasure; He managed to thwart my various attempts at conversation. I'm not sure he even wanted me there, as I followed him up the steps into his apartment. In fact I was sure of it.  
  
Without a glance at me, he tossed his textbooks on the floor, and sat down on his desk chair. Closing the door behind me, I took a look around. It seems the surroundings were even plainer than it had seemed the night before. Feeling like an intruder, yet trying my best to hide it-I approached the bookcase. My fingers lightly traced along the bindings of many philosophy works, and I leaned closer to catch their titles. A small grin on my face, I turned to him.  
  
"Taking up a particular reading interest"? I began.  
  
He seemed to ignore my question, because he retorted with one of his own.  
  
"Why are you here"?  
  
I shrank. I'm sure he noticed. Positive of it. Because I felt cornered, and somewhat desperate. I racked my brain for a response.  
  
"You know Heero, I'm beginning to think you're not happy to see me". I returned, with a slight grin.  
  
And turning away, he spoke back to me with a hint of irritation.  
  
"You know, for someone who never lies, you sure run from the truth".   
  
I froze. In despite of my shock, agitation took hold. My brow furrowing, I turned to him with anger.  
  
"If you don't want me here, I'll just leave". I spat.  
  
"Leave then". He said without a trace of apprehension.  
  
I guess I opened in full rage, because I started for the door, and not being able to control myself, I jerked it open, and plunged myself into the afternoon air; kicking the door shut behind me with a swift slam.  
  
I don't recall my thoughts as I bolted down the deserted sidewalk at a pace that surprised even me. The only thing I remember focusing on is my apartment. I had to get there. Had to. Lest I should fall apart. Ironically enough, it became some sort of beacon in my mind, something to focus on so I could bury the trace of anger and hopelessness threatening to surface. A sense of relief passed over me as I caught sight of my complex.  
  
I must have stumbled more than once as I hastily tramped up the steps, and flinging my door wide, flung myself into the empty room, shutting the door quickly behind me. After throwing my jacket off somewhere to the side, and kicking my shoes off along with it, I gathered that I could no longer support my frame as I slowly sank to my knees, back crashing against a wall. Then, I sort of just stayed where I'd fallen, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. My pulse was thundering in my ears. Aspirin. I needed something. Anything to quell the reverberations of my heart pounding in my chest. Something to distract me from the blood pulsing at my temple. Almost instinctively, I caught my head as it fell forward into my hands. Thoughts jumbling in my mind mostly fragments, without literal meaning.  
  
Vaguely I felt my frame slide from the side of the wall to the coldness of the floor. And I didn't really care when my body connected with the carpet, landing with a soft thud. I scarcely felt my legs tangled beneath me, and I didn't really care that my limbs ached from my run, or that my muscles had involuntarily fallen slack. It just seemed like all this wasn't happening to me. I could almost see my listless frame lying on the floor, like I was looking back at all this as if it were a distant memory. My mouth was dry, my legs growing numb, yet I simply didn't care. And here I lie, with words to swear; yet I find myself staring up at the ceiling, eyes unmoving. All around me. Indiscernible images. Stillness. Impenetrable silence. And the frightening realization, that nothing can fill the blackness that had seeped into my chest.  
  
  
6:17 p.m. 


	7. 925 AC 197 I've nothing left to sustain

Here I lie motionless. Catch me if you can.  
  
It was seven in the morning when my eyes cracked open slowly. Painfully slowly I might add, since morning light was already wafting into the room. Almost instantly, I pinched them shut. My body seemed alarmingly numb. I remained inert. A reminding voice chimed in my head-School today. Fuck it. I'm staying home. Partial pieces of conversations from yesterday swirled in my brain. My brow knitted slowly together. His words still echoed back to me. In fact, they'd been haunting me all morning. I can't count how many times I'd played the brief exchange of words back to myself. More times than I could guess. More times than I'd like to count.  
  
"He runs, he hides, does everything, but lies".  
  
Except on the floor.  
  
I suddenly felt the strange urge to laugh bitterly just then out of sarcasm, or frustration. I couldn't decide.  
  
Through the partially creaked blinds I could tell it was overcast today. How fitting. How perfectly, and ironically fitting. I felt my right index finger twitch just then. My arms were resting languidly beside my body, and the sudden movement startled me. Enough to realize that the radio on my alarm clock was blaring in the other room. And do you know what? I either couldn't marshal the strength to raise my self from the hardness of the floor, or I didn't want to. If I move, I'll have to accept this. I'll have to accept that I'm alone. The pain of being alone on the outside pales in comparison to the solitude I feel on the inside. But who cares really? No one. That's who. Do you think anyone is out there wondering what's become of dear old Duo? Not likely. And even if they knew, why would they care? That carefree, happy go lucky Duo has been reduced to a puddle of listlessness on the floor of a ramshackle apartment complex? Again, not likely.   
  
The ringing in my ears became incessant. As I was begrudgingly brought back to reality, I began to pick up on fragments of song from the radio. My face remained solemn, and I just kind of studied the cracks in the plaster on the ceiling. Particular phrases caught my attention.  
  
My properties of no defense. So strike at your command.  
  
I was tempted to crack a sour smile.  
  
And strike he had.  
  
I froze suddenly as I caught fragments of a new song that was coming through the radio.  
  
I would say I'm sorry  
If I thought that it would change your mind  
But I know that this time  
I have said too much  
Been too unkind  
  
I felt my heartbeat suddenly quicken, and my eyes widen, as I listened with startled dread.  
  
So I try to laugh about it  
Cover it all up with lies   
  
I felt my body tense and become rigid all over. A sudden powerful rush of adrenaline racked my body, as anger infused me. My breathing became rapid, and I tried desperately to block out the music thundering in my head, stirring my regrets, and my mistakes. Involuntarily, I felt my hands snake up from my sides, as I clamped them tight over my ears, yet the music still came in muffled whispers so it chanted eerily in my ears.  
  
Misjudged your limits.   
Pushed you too far.  
  
I guess I snapped just then. Because before I knew what had come over me, my face had contorted in rage, and I leapt from my position on the floor, crossing the distance to the radio in the other room. Before I could restrain myself, my fist raised forward.  
  
...Took you for granted  
... Thought that you needed me-  
  
I slammed my fist down onto the box as a snarl escaped my lips. Ignoring the few drops of blood trickling off my knuckles, I stood paralyzed as what was left of the mangled instrument clattered to the floor. I hadn't really meant to do that.   
  
  
7:03 a.m. 


	8. 926 AC 197 troubled days cloud my eyes

I'm all right on my own. Till I met you.   
  
I don't recall much from yesterday. In fact, hardly anything at all. I stayed home from school once more. What's left of my resolve is still on the mend. I found myself in my bed. But I don't remember how I got there. My face was pressed against my pillow, which was soaked with perspiration. Slowly, I began to come around. I felt my legs stir beneath me as I was lying on my stomach, completely concealed under the blankets. My right arm I discovered, had been trailing off along the mattress. I don't know how long I lay there with my eyes open, light filtering through the sheets. It's one of those moments I guess, when moving seems too trivial. I could almost hear my steady, rhythmic breathing beneath the comforter, as not a sound stirred the apartment save the gentle hum of song once more.   
  
The one I needed I abuse   
More color for the bruise   
  
  
My nose crinkled as a heavy sigh racked my body. For now, the tune was soft and wasn't disturbing, and I hadn't the will to block it out. So I sort of sat there and endured it.   
  
And I hope that what is true  
Will find a way to you   
  
  
I felt my body wince and my arm quiver. My hand that was hanging from the bed balled into a fist.   
  
It all comes back to you...   
  
Whimpering to myself in defeat and then hopelessness, I coiled my hands around my pillow and pressed it to my ears.   
  
I've never felt alone   
  
I've never felt alone   
  
I've never felt alone   
  
My grasp on the pillow loosened as a realization struck me. Recollections of what had happened yesterday suddenly flooded my mind. Was the radio on? No. And that was the scary part.   
  
Jumping from my bed, I felt the pillows fly off me into different directions and I barely flinched as a scream dispelled from my lips. Actually, it sounded far away. And it didn't even sound like my voice. And that was even scarier. I had to get out of here.   
  
I didn't really know where, but I knew I had to, lest the walls close in on me. Kicking what remaining blankets away, I stood from the bed, my hair which had come loose at some point during the night gathered around me as I stripped off what garments I had, and approached the dresser. After running a few quick swipes of a brush through my hair, I preceded to weave it back into a braid. Upon doing this I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I almost wanted to release a muffled laugh. God I looked a sight. My bangs were tousled; sticking in different directions I might add-and my forehead glistened with sweat. I didn't like this. I continued to stare numbly as my hands worked mechanically to right the braid. Have you ever stared at something so long you couldn't even discern anything of it anymore? Until all you see are shapes. Just shapes, jumbling and blurring into one another. I really had to get out of here.   
  
Roughly ten minutes later, as I was taking the steps two at a time down the stoop, I realized I was hungry. Human necessity strikes again. And besides, I wasn't about to starve myself. As I slid the key into the car door and swung my legs inside, I scanned my brain for the nearest location in which I could find something fitting to eat. I wasn't aware of what I'd put on until I caught a flash of purple in the rear mirror. I looked down to find a T-shirt beneath my jacket. Well, that's different.   
  
After finding a suitable place, I managed to locate a deserted parking lot and pulled over. After quickly eating my sandwich, which I'm not altogether sure why it was hurried [you didn't really think food cured all ailments did you?] I slid from behind the wheel, and climbed onto the front hood. Lying flat on my back and tucking my arms up behind my head, I idly scanned the sky. Not as if I expected to really see anything-I was more or less waiting for another distraction.   
  
And I'd know what to do...   
If I just knew what's coming   
  
  
I exhaled deeply for a moment, and then took in another rapid breath.   
  
I would change myself if I could...   
  
Around me, cars whirred past on the street, nearby voices shouted, ravens released their mournful cries, yet nothing compared to the noise in my head.  
  
  
6:00 p.m. 


	9. 927 AC 197 these bonds are shackle free

Do or die. It's come down to this.   
  
I'll never get used to it. How can the average teenager tolerate rising for school in the wee hours of morning every single day? Well, it's not like I really have a choice in the matter. Today would be it. I can't run forever. And I couldn't run any longer. Sitting up in my tangled mess of bed linens, I raised my arms above my head to indulge in a stretch, and release a yawn. I intended to crawl out of bed, but somehow I ended up entwining my foot with a sheet, which sent me stumbling to the floor. Definitely not one of my most graceful moments. Gathering what was left of my pride after that little mishap, I stood on wobbly legs, languidly scratching my side as I wandered into the bathroom.   
  
Taking a good long look in the mirror, I cringed. I had work to do. Pulling loose the rest of my hair as I turned the shower faucet, I ducked under the spray. My eyes were still partially lidded as I waited for the coolness of the water to bring me to my senses. Scrubbing the suds through my mess of hair, I vaguely recalled that I'd been a poor informant-since I hadn't contacted Une since I'd arrived. I shrugged. At the time, I don't think I possibly could have cared less.   
  
It was miserably cold in my apartment, I noted distastefully, as I stepped out of the shower, icy air engulfing my body. Shaking the remaining water from my hair, I bolted from the bathroom, eager to get dressed, and not caring whether or not I was roaming about my house completely nude. Hey, it is my house, and since when was I the modest type?   
  
After digging through the closet, I pulled on a pair of black jeans and I nearly toppled over as I pulled whatever clean shirt I could find over my head. Aware I was cutting it close as far as time goes, I hastily wove the familiar strands together to form a braid, and scooping my jacket into my arms, I snatched my shoes from against the door and headed out.   
  
Now, if you've ever attempted to tie your shoes while descending a stairwell [which I don't recommend by the way] you can recognize my dilemma. Hopping down the steps while fighting with a shoelace, I managed to avoid careening to my end on the concrete below [hardly, I might add] and fumbling with the keys, I slid quickly into the driver's seat of my car. Checking my clock, I almost released a cry of frustration, as I jammed the keys into the ignition. As soon as the engine roared to life, so did the music I'd been listening to the afternoon before. Well, I guess out of habit, I'd already put it in gear, as the car lurched back while I fumbled hastily with the radio dials. When I finally glanced up to check my mirror, I jumped, and slammed my foot on the brake hard.   
  
Before my reflexes kicked in, I managed to catch Heero's eyes widen in disbelief, as his features contorted in surprise. Momentum finally kicked in, and I felt my body jolt forward, my head connecting with the roof of the car. I immediately froze as he caught sight of my bent frame behind the wheel, and I winced as his face then twisted into a sneer. I looked back at him, shoulders hunched forward over the wheel guiltily. I must have looked like a criminal caught in the act. Studying him in the mirror, I froze under his piercing glare, and I don't know how long this lasted. Hanging my head for a minute and lacing my fingers around the steering wheel, I barely glimpsed his departing figure. Damn it! Today already had the makings of disaster.   
  
When I finally arrived at school, I found my footsteps slowing to my particular classroom. I hadn't really thought of a proper excuse to deliver, and after that little episode, my thoughts were hopelessly jumbled. Shifting my textbooks to my other had, I braced myself as I saw the instructor heading into the classroom [apparently pushing the thirty-five zone on campus had bought me some time] He paused as he saw me approach, and waited patiently to meet me at the door. Round two, I thought to myself.   
  
"Duo", he began calmly, ushering me off to the side. I braced myself for the lecture, and the third degree, which I knew well enough, was coming.   
  
"I'd like to know why you haven't been at school for the past couple days", he said slowly, gesturing with added emphasis.   
  
I gave a soft smirk and replied, "Would you believe I got lost"?   
  
His features tensed, and he gave me a disapproving stare. Cocking my head to the side animatedly, I return his glare, though I think it appeared more mocking. I heard the bell sound suddenly, as he lowered his head in defeat, raising a hand to his temple.   
  
"I don't have time for this". He sighed. "Go and take your seat".   
  
Pressing my fingers to my forehead in salute [which almost earned me another disapproving sigh] I gave my best genteel smile, and ducked into the classroom. And someone wasn't happy to see me.   
  
Heero lowered his eyebrow at my entrance, [which was even more menacing if you can believe it] yet the icy glare never vanished. I suddenly felt my guilt return, and I was almost desperately afraid he would sense it. Yet he revealed nothing as I shrank into the seat next to him. Moments later, the Instructor appeared, and began to take roll.   
  
I'm pretty sure that's where I'd drifted off. I hadn't much of an ear for history, especially since I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I couldn't get a good look at his expression through the corner of my eye, and turning my head would be obvious. So I contented myself to focus my eyes strait ahead.   
  
In fact, I'd let my mind wander so much; I came to just as I realized the instructor was rambling on about our first group project, and jarring myself, I'd realized that the class had already paired off. I sank a bit further into my seat as the instructor's words broke through my thoughts.   
  
"Is there anyone who does not have a partner"? He questioned.   
  
I slowly raised my hand, and nearly jumped as I noticed Heero's hand carefully do the same.   
  
The professor smiled just then as he looked down at us.   
  
"Problem solved". He declared.   
  
I swallowed thickly. And to my surprise, a soft voice to my side responded in mild protest.   
  
"I do not feel comfortable being paired up with someone, who nearly ran me over with his vehicle," he muttered.   
  
I felt agitation seize me.   
  
"Well maybe if you were watching were you were going"...I objected.   
  
"Well maybe if you didn't have that mop of hair obstructing your view" ...Heero returned.   
  
I jumped from my seat in debate, and an argument quickly ensued. I vaguely recall the teacher demanding our silence, I guess I had raised my voice a bit loud, since muffled snickers were erupting from the back of the room. I refused to find my situation humorous. But then, was it me or did Heero look somewhat amused? I must of hit my head harder than I thought.   
  
//   
  
How I made it through that day I couldn't guess. Yet I managed to catch sight of Heero as I was making my way to my car. He didn't seem to be paying much attention to his surroundings and he exited to parking lot, until I called over to him with a smirk playing on my face.   
  
"Want a ride"? I questioned, grinning smoothly.   
  
He turned toward me, contempt clearly evident.   
  
"They actually gave you a license"? He questioned.   
  
Nearly countering in defense, I almost failed to notice him approach the vehicle, and tug the passenger door open as he ducked silently inside.   
  
I stood frozen for a moment. I was well aware that I hadn't really expected him to accept the offer, and now I found myself a bit shaken. Sucking in a deep breath, I climbed behind to wheel, and stuck the key in the ignition. The radio started up again, and as I backed out, I noticed him grimace.   
  
"This, is your idea of music"? He exclaimed with a gesture.   
  
I guess we didn't share similar tastes. I smiled in defiance, and proceeded to tap my fingers against the wheel in time with the beat as I pushed the speed limit once again, making my way down the street. School zone, hah. Fuck it.   
  
I saw him tense, as I sped through a red light.   
  
"You drive like a maniac"...he affirmed.   
  
A devious grin crossed my face, as I swerved the car swiftly to the side, causing him to lurch forward unexpectedly, which earned me another glare. I couldn't help wanting to laugh out loud just then.   
  
//   
  
Needless to say, he was relieved to get home in one piece, for no sooner did I come to a stop in his driveway, the door flung wide and he bailed. Unable to resist, I chuckled softly as I followed him up the stairs. Before I really knew what was happening, the door was shut, and I was on the other side. My brow furrowed just then, I wasn't sure if I liked the memory, but weakness wasn't a trait I was apt at showing, so I tried my best to shrug it off, as he sank down into his desk chair once more. Ignoring the silence, I meandered my way into the kitchen, and jumped onto the counter, my legs dangling off the side.   
  
I didn't want to focus on the tension and the silence, so I barely noticed as my legs involuntarily began to tap back and forth against the side of the wall. I guess I have a way of inventing distractions for myself. I wasn't aware of it until I felt a stern set of eyes upon me. Surrendering my best smile, I paused in my rhythm, and glanced up to meet his gaze.   
  
"Is that bothering you"? I questioned.   
  
When he gave no reply, I proceeded to tap my feet at an even faster rate. Perhaps I was pushing the envelope, or maybe I just wanted to see what would happen. But I was suddenly shocked. Was it my imagination, or did a faint smile form at the corner of his mouth?   
  
  
6:32 p.m. 


	10. 928 AC 197 try to keep my feet on the g...

The panic of the future rears.   
  
I was having a really good dream. I know that much. Then unexpectedly, a ringing stung my ears, jarring me from my sleep. Somewhere along the line, my whole body-pillow included-had traveled to the opposite end of the bed. Face pressed against the fabric, I raised my head lethargically from the pillow [I actually believe I was drooling on it] and I crawled up to the opposite end of the bed to answer the telephone. I do believe my mouth was still dangling slightly ajar and one of my eyes was partially closed, I'm guessing since my surroundings were blurry. [I told you I wasn't a morning person] Nearly knocking the telephone off the table in my drowsy stupor, I pressed the receiver to my ear.   
  
"Mhello...?" I uttered, slurring my words.   
  
"Duo"! A stern voice shouted at the other end.   
  
Raising an eyebrow in confusion, I answered.   
  
"Who the fhuck is thish"...   
  
Or so it sounded, since I muffled it through a yawn.   
  
"Duo, quit fooling around. You were supposed to report back to headquarters three days ago. What the hell are you doing out there"? The voice demanded.   
  
"Wha..."? I started, beginning to wake up while rubbing the sleep from my eyes.   
  
"What is Heero Yui's status"? She pursued.   
  
"Ohhh...Hey Une". I began. "What's up"? I returned with a chuckle.   
  
"Duo, I haven't any time for this". She objected. I faintly heard yelling in the background and gave a soft smirk.   
  
"Hey...is that Wufy there with ya"? I snickered. "Tell 'em I said hi", I teased.   
  
"Duo". She pressed. "Have you even bothered to contact Heero yet"? And if so, have you mentioned our proposal"? She stated flatly.   
  
"Hey, Hey, Hey"...I soothed, tiring of my game. "These things take time", I added.   
  
I heard her give a curt sigh.   
  
"Look, if I can't trust you to complete this task, I'll send someone else out there to do it for you". She remarked.   
  
I tensed suddenly, more than slightly irritated.   
  
"Since when could you not trust me to do my job"? I snapped.   
  
"It's not you I don't trust, Duo". She retorted. "It's your emotions". And with that, she hung up.   
  
I sat there frozen for a minute, clutching the dead receiver in my hand. What the fuck was that all about?   
  
//   
  
Moments later, I'd dressed myself hastily, not really knowing where to go exactly, but mostly eager to be out of my apartment, lest more phone calls should persist. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I hurried down the stone steps, and took off down the sidewalk, to wherever it was my feet should happen to take me. I wasn't really watching where I was going, since I was mostly staring down at the cement path as my boots scraped along it. I wished I could focus on something else, I just felt, numb. For lack of a better word to describe it. The emotion was all too familiar to me. Since, to be frank, I'd often felt such a sensation while piloting. In fact, I was probably more accustomed to it than one would grasp. At any rate, I didn't like it. The memory was unnerving. And I couldn't really pick out a reason as to why I suddenly felt this way, and it was beginning to aggravate me. When I finally looked up, I managed to gather I'd ended up quite far from the comforts of familiarity, since I had absolutely no idea where I was. Releasing a sigh, I reached up to brush the stray strands of hair from my eyes, when you'll never guess who it was I saw making his way down the same path but a few yards ahead. Christ, do I do this to myself intentionally?   
  
He scarcely seemed to notice me, despite my obvious acknowledgment of him, yet he allowed me to fall into step with him. I was apprehensive, yet still determined not to let my nervousness show. Mustering my courage, I greeted him. "Hey Buddy boy", I managed to pipe up, hoping he didn't notice the slight crack of my voice, which I mentally scolded myself for. I knew I was desperate to keep up a conversation this time, but why I wasn't actually sure. So I resorted to the cliché bantering, which most people exchange. I knew I was trying too hard, which wasn't my usual route of travel. Hurriedly, I scanned my brain for a topic. Anything to keep words flowing. I really was becoming so pathetic.   
  
Catching sight of his apartment, I improvised.   
  
"Should we work on the project today"? I stuttered, trying to so hard to hide the anxiousness in my voice, yet obviously I failed, since Heero gave me a quizzical look. He seemed to give a slight nod in compliance, and if he knew something was slightly amiss, he showed no signs of it.   
  
It seems our procedure of filing into his place had become sort of routine; we'd practiced it so many times. Always him in the front, and me following a couple steps behind. I was wondering to myself why exactly I was so shaky; perhaps it was the events that had transpired earlier. Yet strangely, I seemed to calm down a bit when I got inside. And without really thinking, I shed my jacket and draped it over the countertop.   
  
Not wanting to engage in another staring session, I quickly scanned the surroundings in search of something to occupy myself, as Heero proceeded to ignore my presence, while he busied himself with the computer. I guess my nervousness was becoming more and more obvious, because I have a habit of fidgeting, and I can't seem to sit still. Having no other place, I slowly slid to my feet and sat on the floor. Glancing around, I noticed a nearby stack of books, and sliding over in curiosity, I grabbed the nearest one to me. Propping it up in my lap, I scanned through the pages hastily, yet my interest was waning, I was no philosophy buff. Looking up on a whim, I suddenly became aware of Heero studying my behavior. I smirked a little, and turning the book sideways, shaking the pages I contorted my face in disgust and protested.   
  
"No pictures"...I grimaced, and stuck my tongue out partially, emphasizing my distaste.   
  
A few minutes later, I found myself collapsed on the floor in boredom, my hat covering my face completely, when I heard Heero mutter something about my laziness. Sliding the cap from my features, I looked up in mock surprise.   
  
"Me, never"! I defended.   
  
He was not amused. In fact, I saw him roll his eyes in the reflection of the monitor. I think he then set out to find something for me to occupy myself. Much to my displeasure. Personally, I couldn't give a flying fuck about researching this project-living it was enough. Which is why when he asked me to read the assignment directions, I was more than a little unenthusiastic. In fact, finding nothing more to hold my attention [or at least nothing to crack a joke at] I tossed the paper down at my feet in annoyance. This was obviously a wrong choice of action, for he glared sternly at me just then.   
  
His question didn't surprise me. Why should it not? I think he meant more to ask me why I was being such a cold-hearted bastard, but strangely, his words were kinder.   
  
I couldn't help grinning openly when I responded, tucking the hat back over my mussed hair, shadowing my eyes slightly. After all, what was one life, to death?   
  
Before I knew what I was doing, a course chuckle escaped my lips. Was it my mistake, or did Heero look startled by my response? Or was it bemused? If I hadn't produced such a reaction, maybe I would have told him none of it really phased me at the time. I could tell I'd already gone too far. I guess I was a poor judge of his limits. It was clear this was a touchy subject for him, and the fact that I had shocked him left me feeling cold-or hollow, was that it? I almost disgusted myself just then. Eager to change the subject, I entreated if he would turn some music on, something to fill the gap of silence and lingering resentment. Yet when he complied, I was left in dismay.   
  
Raising my eyebrows at his music choice, I involuntarily felt my right lip coil into a sneer. Propping my chin up onto my hand, I wondered how much more of this I would be forced to endure, but then there was a pause, yet I felt a chill run down my spin as the sound of bells filled the air.   
  
"It sounds like the beginning of mass"...I muttered quietly. His reply caught me off guard, though it really shouldn't have.   
  
"I should think you would be used to it", he defended.   
  
At this, I shrank back in spite of myself, drawing my legs up close to me as I lie on the floor. Hanging my head in recoil, I drew my hands up to dully massage my forehead. I don't know why, but the mere words cut me to the bone, and I knew he sensed it, because his silence ensued.   
  
I wanted to plead with him to continue speaking-speak of anything, I almost implored it. I couldn't do this. I felt myself receding back into my shell unwillingly, but I tried to ignore it, balling my hand into a fist. No, If I give in, the noise...that horrid noise will return...And what frightened me the most, was I didn't think I could get hold of myself if it did. I couldn't let him see me in that state, I convinced myself, and I willed myself focus on something else. Though in my plight, I didn't protest as my eyes slowly closed. The lull of the song was making me drowsy, and I don't really recall when I dully surrendered to sleep.   
  
When I finally awoke, I jumped with a start. I found myself staring at my own face, or it suddenly seemed that way. My eyes widened involuntarily, and when I gathered my wits, I realized Heero was holding my Preventers identification card in front of my face. In fact, he was standing directly above me, and I jolted backwards, sliding away in shock, almost knocking him over with my own leg as I jumped back. Scooting to the far side of the wall, I snaked a hand through my hair, careful to avoid eye contact, for I couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt. Obviously exasperated with me, he retreated, and sank back into his chair. Scrambling to my feet, I tried my best to avoid his gaze, but it seemed his glare held me.   
  
"How long were you leering at me"...I stammered, scratching my head in embarrassment.   
  
"How long have you been a Preventer"? He returned. When I attempted to explain myself, he ignored my efforts at speech, and tossed my wallet back at me, and taking a step back, I caught it in my free hand.   
  
"My beautiful liar, did you think I did not know"? He said calmly.   
  
I involuntarily felt a twinge of anger at the insult of my integrity, yet when I was about to counter, his actions caught me off guard. He smiled openly. He actually smiled. I didn't know whether or not to be amazed, or perplexed. Where had that come from?   
  
I Sighed in defeat, and sank back against the wall. I couldn't help feeling both ashamed, and exposed. Emotions I wasn't used to it, and I hated it. I hated it more than I hated the taunting voice inside my head that reminded me of my dire mistake. When had I let my guard down? I studied the floor absently. And more importantly, what happens now?   
  
  
9:42 p.m. 


	11. 929 AC 197 low at my feet to breathe my...

The Dream returned. Violins. And the violins again. Softly sweet, maddeningly eerie.   
  
I've heard voices crying names   
I have reveled in their beckoning   
The voices that summon me...   
  
  
A youth barely the age of eleven. Running. Wind rustling through the maple trees overhead. Daylight was waning; Birds released their solemn cries. Dull crunch of leaves beneath his shoes. Chestnut braid whipping against his back as he sprinted. About his neck, a simple cross-hung on a loose fitting beaded chain, slapping against his chest. Sneakers thudded against the earth, his arms swaying back and forth as he hurried down the cobblestone path. The congregation was beginning. The chorus would soon commence.   
  
The daylight has almost gone   
The birds have sung their last   
The bells call out to mass...   
  
  
The vision changed, fading to black. Revealing the same boy couldn't be more than the age of nine this time. He was sitting at a pew; auburn locks loosely askew, hands folded neatly in his lap, head down hiding his dejected expression. The sun filtered in through the stained glass, shining in his disheveled hair.   
  
You carry a demon inside you"...they had said to him with suspicion.   
  
When he slowly raised his head, his eyes glistened with the residue of tears, some dried against his cheeks. There was a small dirt smudge on his cheek as he wiped the moisture from his face, and slowly clasping his hands together, delicately interlacing his fingers and raising his head to the ceiling above.   
  
"If you get me out of this, Oh great Almighty, I promise I'll never do it again"...   
  
The desperate plea filled the empty church, disrupting the silence. And as the image blotted out, his head fell forward into his hands.   
  
Running again. His footfall echoed down the deserted path and his breaths came in rapid gasps. The doors were in sight. The sound of bells filled the air.   
  
He stood motionless in the aisle, staring forward with concern towards the front of the church.   
  
An acrostic for prayer that I learned as a kid...   
  
He bolted to the front of the church just then. Calling out a name. Helene.   
  
She was poised at the front pew, reaching forward to light the many candelabras with a single wick. His eyes filled with joy as he approached her, flickering in the candlelight, surrounding by a sea of tiny flames. Standing back to admire her work, he tugged adamantly at her skirts, signaling for her attention. Turning to him with a soft smile, he gave a tinny laugh, which became lost among the noise of lulling bells and ceremonial chants.   
  
Glancing about, he became absorbed in studying the many twinkling lights, the air of a child; mouth slightly ajar with quiet awe. Turning his gaze upwards, he cowered in wonder at the replica Savior mounted against a metal cross at the front of the congregational hall. Eyes widening, he took an unsure step back, as a muffled cry escaped his lips. Gazing to Helene for reassurance, he found her back was turned to him, and when he faced her, he shrank back in horror.   
  
Her face distorted, seemed to wither away as he released a gasp, voice constrained in fear. He fell backward-foot entwined with the side of a nearby pew. The light of the candles swirled around into a crimson haze. Licking at the curtains, stretching forth to consume them. Helene stared blankly forth, skin peeling in the heat, eyes sunk in, flesh deteriorating, rotting away to reveal pale bone. Raising his hands to shield his eyes, a wounded cry dispelling from his mouth, lips quivering. The flames surrounding him, and he stood shaking in a confinement of dancing flames, smoke thick in the air, cinders brushing against his skin. He continued to cry out, curling into a fetal position, as the flames descended upon him. His voice quivering-ruptured in his throat, crying out for help. Screams ringing in my ears, deafening-   
  
I lurched forward, unable to thwart the shriek grating through my throat until it discharged with full force out through my quavering mouth. My whole body was shuddering, bathed in a thick layer of sweat. My chest quaking, I drew my legs up around me, resting my arms on the top of my shaking knees. I felt the blood pulsing against my forehead, and I glanced at clock beside the bed, which read two in the morning. Clawing at the shirt soaked to my chest, I slid my fumbling hand inside until it met with my clammy skin, scratching desperately against the flesh until I found what I was looking for-the cold steel rosary on the beaded black chain, and I tightened my grip on it, nearly crushing it.   
  
Why...why are these nightmares returning...   
  
Sliding it off my neck, I held it up in my hand, my body trembling as I studied it in alarm, before I succumbed, and allowed my head to lull forward. My breathing began to slow, but I couldn't get that awful image out of my mind. I felt my hands gather fistfuls of the sheets, my knuckles burning white under the tension.   
  
What's happening to me..?   
  
I tensed then, as I felt a small droplet of water splatter from my face and trickle onto my right knuckle.  
  
  
4:04 a.m. 


End file.
